50 Shades of Safer Sex – STI/STD Prevention

Last Updated on July 29, 2021 by Debra Rose Wilson, PhD, MSN, RN, IBCLC, AHN-BC, CHT

With all the hype, the book burnings, the replacement of bibles in hotels, and the blog posts around 50 Shades of Grey, I think it appropriate to talk about BDSM as it pertains to STIs/STDs and how to best reduce your risk of contracting an infection when engaging in BDSM sexual play.

The STI Project has no preference in the type of sex in which you engage, only that you consider practicing safer sex whenever getting your kink on as well as when you participate in more “vanilla” activities!

Risk Reduction

S&M (also know as BDSM: Bondage and Discipline; Dominance and Submission; and Sadism and Masochism) comes with its own unique set of STI/STD risks.

Responsible S&M is about practicing safely and remembering the basics.

Always remember to use common sense and communicate. Communicate, communicate, communicate. All healthy BDSM relationships are built upon communication and STI/STD risk reduction while engaging in S&M is no different.

Etiquette

STI/STD risk reduction as it pertains to BDSM is really just a matter of communicating and respecting the person(s) with whom you are playing.

You should agree upon a safety word and what you want to do in a scene before you begin. A safety word or motion is used by any partner to stop the scene immediately, no questions asked. It is there for all parties and should be respected, along with your partner’s limits and feelings at all times.

Always consider your partner(s). Discuss interests, pleasures, perceived needs, etc..

If you are unsure of a certain activity, hold off until you’re familiar with the safety aspects of it. Find out as much as possible beforehand, so you can made an educated decision about how and when to proceed.

Lubricants

Lube is your safer sex best friend!!!

It can be lots of fun used for play and insertion! Flavored brands should only be used externally or for oral sex. Sugars and other ingredients in the flavored variety can irritate the vagina and therefore, should not be used internally.

If you’re going to insert something into someone, you should use a water-based, unscented, and unflavored brand of lube.

NEVER use oil-based lubes with barriers as they weaken latex condoms and gloves and make them more likely to break.

Too little lube used for insertion will cause excessive friction and will also encourage a condom to break.

During a scene, take lube from a small container or throw-away packet (a paper cup or plate works well for this). Some brands come in pump jars, and you want to make sure nobody else’s hand, penis or whatever comes in contact with your personal supply of lube – else an infection be spread.

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Your Rectum

The rectum is delicate and sticking things in the rectum (finger, penis, dildo, fist, etc.) can tear the lining of the rectum if you aren’t careful. Even extremely tiny tears can open the body up and STIs/STDs can get in.

If you finger a rectum, be careful not to do so if you have a cut or sore on your finger or if you have sharp or long nails. Latex gloves work great for this activity.

Make sure all objects have been cleaned before entering the rectum (see the section below on toys).

LUBE LUBE LUBE! 🙂

Douching & Enemas

People into anal play often like to make sure their rectums are as “clean” as possible before engaging in those activities.

Contrary to what one might ASSume (pun intended), douching and enemas wash away the surface mucous that’s there to protect you, so extra lube will be necessary after those procedures. Incomplete douching can leave fecal matter in the rectum that is likely to cause abrasion and can make someone more vulnerable to infection. For both of those reasons, it’s important to use lots of lube!

Remember, lube is your safer sex best friend!

Your Vagina

It’s incredibly easy to bruise, cut, or tear the vagina, so you should take care to protect it whenever anything goes into it.

The outer and inner parts of the vagina are mucous membranes, so a good rule of thumb is to make sure that your play is a little less aggressive when anything occurs outside or inside the vagina. Anything inserted should be properly washed and contain no sharp edges.

Your vagina can be damaged in other ways too: you can bruise or scrape the cervix, tear the skin between the vagina and the rectum, bruise the tissue between the pubic bones, or cut and scrape around the hole used to urinate (the urethra). All of those things can open your body up to infection and should be practiced with protection.

Lube helps negate those risks. Remember, too much lube is not enough lube! If you don’t use enough, you could cause tears and rips or a mechanically induced bout of vaginitis.

Vaginal play depends on moving slowly and remembering that the border between pain and pleasure is razor thin. So, get to know the size and shape of your partner’s vagina, and remember that it can change shape depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle and how excited they get.

Toys

When you were growing up, you were probably encouraged to share your toys. However, when talking about sex toys, be selfish and only share with caution. Anything that goes into a person’s rectum and/or vagina could transmit an STI/STD if it is shared and not properly cleaned – this includes toys that draw blood.

If you’re a bottom, the best idea would be to have your own toys and get your top to use them on you. If you’re a top, ask your bottom what toys they own. Or, if having sex with various bottoms, you could consider assigning and marking each toy for use with one bottom only.

For example, if you spank someone with a sturdy wire brush, you’re going to draw blood. So, tape the bottom’s name onto the brush – maybe even tape the brush to your bottom’s leg – but whatever you do, don’t use it on anyone else!

The same applies for dildos, butt plugs, etc.

Restraints & Bondage

While restraint is not generally a risk of infection or disease transmission, it is often used with BDSM play.

Any material that can wrap around or encase the body should be of a flexible material. Never make any restraint too tight, especially around the neck or joints (wrists, ankles, elbows, knees, etc.). Likewise, never leave anyone inescapably bound alone, and be sure to have good emergency equipment nearby. To check that any bondage is not too tight, you should be able to pass one finger between the rope and skin.

If using adhesive tape, do not apply it directly to the skin since it may not only rip off hair when it is removed, skin may come off with it too allowing an entry point for infection.

Pinching

You can pinch, lightly slap, and rub the skin – including the nipples, and as long as you do not break the skin, you greatly reduce your risk of contracting STIs/STDs that are transmitted by bodily fluids.

Clothes pegs, nipple clamps, and ropes can be used to put tight pressure on the skin. Tight pinching this way should only be left on for 10-15 minutes to avoid circulation problems.

If the skin goes blue, immediately take off the pressure.

Temperature

Playing with changes in temperature can be great fun! You can only transmit infection this way if there are cracks in the skin, open blisters, or charring caused by high temperature – so, stop at reddening of the skin.

Cigars and cigarettes should not be allowed to drop ash on the heated area since the ash may burn the skin and stick to it. This can cause infection later as the wound heals. For hot wax play, choose cheap white parafin candles because they burn at a low temperature.

Do not use colored, scented, or beeswax candles because they burn at a higher temperature and increase risk.

Safer Sex For Everyone

Lastly, the same “vanilla” safer sex practices apply to BDSM:

• Communicate with your partner(s) about their partners and their safer sex practices
• Get tested for STIs/STDs regularly (gold standard is before and after each new partner) and know which STIs/STDs your partner(s) have been tested for and when they were last tested
• Use barriers (condoms, internal condoms, dams – saran wrap works for this, and/or gloves)
• Use lots of lube (a drop inside the condom, lots outside – a drop on the side of the dam that touches the skin, lots outside – a drop inside a glove, lots outside – lots on toys)
• Remember when sharing your body with anyone else (even if you’ve completed the above steps), the risk is never reduced to zero and there’s still a risk of contracting an STI/STD; so, gauge the level of risk you are willing to consider based on the activity(ies) you’d like to pursue!

• How to Not Give an Eff about Having an STI
• All about Herpes Disclosure
• Safer Sex – STD Prevention
• How to Make Your Safer Sex Kit
• Recommended Safer Sex Products
• Your STI/STD Risk Based on Activity