Am I angry at the person who gave me genital herpes? No. Here’s why:
Truthfully, I don’t remember EVER feeling angry about contracting an STD or even believing it was someone else’s fault.
Shocked, scared, appalled, embarrassed? Definitely! Anger? No.
I made bad choices and put myself at risk – I gambled, per se, and I lost those bets. There will always be things I think I could have handled differently, but the point is, the burden and blame lies on me. It is my fault I have genital herpes and I once had to treat myself for scabies, because I chose to share my body with those people.
In short, I am not angry nor am I hoping to enact revenge on the people of the world as a result of my STD experiences.
Rather, I prefer to tell ya’ll the details and hope this can be a learning experience for someone else – a lesson one person will not have to learn first-hand!
What’s the age-old adage – two wrongs don’t make a right?!?!
Yes. That one.
If you are one of those angry folks, that’s ok too…. Be angry – any emotion is better than indifference – and then do something about it. After you’ve had your fill of anger, reflect.
What makes you angry? Why did this happen? What can you do to stop this from happening to others? What will you do differently next time? Is there a good outlet for your anger – a place like this – you can use to express how you’re feeling and where you can learn how others have dealt with similar feelings?
Go there.
While I understand each STD circumstance is entirely unique, whenever possible, it is important we take ownership for our actions and do something different next time.
Better yet, I say, talk about it.
Tell people how badly you screwed up or the things you’ve learned while tra-la-la-ing along your life’s path. There’s so much we gain by talking about these things; by admitting we aren’t perfect, we open the door for others to do the same and for positive growth and change as a result of our sharing.
(Does this make you want to tell your story? Contact me – I’d be happy to post for you anonymously or otherwise! Better yet, answer the STD Interview questions – I’ll post your answers anonymously and/or as you see fit….and I’ll even let you pick your feature photo!!) < – she’s so cool! 
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Are you still angry about contracting an STD? Are you trying to find an outlet for your frustration? Were you inspired by this post? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!
- Would You Like to Share Your Story?
- Genital Herpes (or any other STD) Won’t Stop You
- STDs and Relationships – Part 1, Part 2, & Part 3
- When Do You Have to Tell Someone You Have an STD?
- Observations from an STD Counselor
- STDs – The New Scarlet Letter
- A Healthy Helping of STD Hater-Aide
- Getting Diagnosed with Genital Herpes
About Jenelle Marie
Thank you for this post! Anger is something I’m STILL struggling with almost a year after my diagnosis. Anger/resentment has always been my go-to emotion anyway…so contracting an STD is a veritable playground for that resentment to run rampant! I’m hoping that reading and sharing stuff on here will help channel some of that anger into something beneficial. I agree that talking helps. Sharing my secrets takes away the power they have over me!
I couldn’t agree more! Letting it out is so much better than letting it fester inside growing into something monstrous. I’ve tried both approaches, and like you mention, I’ve found that letting it out – even if it is anger – is far better, because it doesn’t, generally, just dissipate on its own, unfortunately; it turns into unreasonable explosions and that’s neither healthy for myself or for those around me who happen to be privy to those explosions! I commend you for taking the first step and sharing how you’re feeling – that alone promotes the emotional healing you need – the same emotional healing everyone in similar situations is so desperately seeking! Cheers to you!
I was just diagnosed with HSV-2 a little over a week ago. I’m incredibly angry, and trying to come to terms with it. Before engaging in unprotected sex (or protected sex, for that matter) with the person I contracted it from, we had several discussions about my reasons for wanting to use protection. I went and got a full STD screening, including blood tests for HIV/HSV, and my partner assured me that he had as well. After our relationship ended, I got retested again just to make sure (my ex turned out to not be that great of a guy), and then I received my diagnosis. I am so angry that he assured me he was clean and ha been tested after his most recent partner, and pressured me into unprotected sex (that should have been a red flag on its own). Now I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life, and I’m scared that I’m never going to have a successful relationship again. I’m only 23 and I feel like my life is over at this point.
Hi Clare -
Thanks so much for your comment.
I totally understand what you’re going through… It’s hard NOT to be angry – especially early on. I think, what makes it so frustrating is that you did try (albeit, not as successfully as you had hoped) to be mindful of your sexual health.
This is why they say to ask which tests someone’s taken specifically. I don’t mean that in a ‘you should have known better’ way. That you even got tested and asked about it is far beyond what most people do as part of their comprehensive safer sex regimen. Keep in mind, with HSV, in particular, most places don’t or won’t test for it unless you ask for it – comprehensive STD panels very rarely include HSV. And, even then, depending upon the test, a lot of them aren’t very accurate. Which, I suppose, is one other alternative to consider… Maybe you had it prior to this guy and you received a false negative the first time? HSV can lie dormant for years or remain asymptomatic forever (one reason why some clinicians prefer not to test for it, because they fear it will cause undue stress in someone who’s asymptomatic – trouble is, it’s still transmittable to others, symptoms or not). Or, maybe he’s just a dummy or an asshole – take your pick!
No, but really, the one thing I can assure you is that your life is not over, despite it feeling like it is right now. I know me saying so won’t really do the trick here, but I figure, I should anyway. It will likely change the conversations you wind up having with potential partners, and it might also slow your dating process down a bit right now, but you will absolutely still be able to have a healthy relationship again. I’ve not yet (even though I know others have) had a partner choose to part ways because I’m living with genital herpes. So, while you’re working through all of the inevitable and entirely understandable frustrations and stigmas you’re pouring through, keep that nugget as a bit of hope.
And, lastly, thank you so much for reaching out. I know how frustrating and scary it can be to have to navigate an STD diagnosis alone (or what feels like you’re alone), so feel free to reach out again should you ever need an ear.
Hi Jenelle. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about 2 months ago and I figured I would have made peace with this by now. I’m really starting to wonder, will I ever? Normally i am a very positive person that can move forward from things rather quickly but this time i am having quite a bit of trouble. Your story really does give me a lot of hope. I’ve been going through some strange motions – at first I knew eventually I’d have to accept the diagnoses, so I tried to just jump right into that acceptance, but it turns out that was just denial. I hoped that if I only got the first outbreak and no more after that, then I could just laugh about it as if it was a one time thing that would not affect my life anymore. But, a couple of days after my first round of valtrex (after my first outbreak cleared up) I got another. And then another. This was a real shock and a reminder that outbreaks likely will be a part of my life from now on. I also tried to forgive the person that gave this to me right away by telling him I forgive him for putting me at risk. But, it turns out that I am really not ready to forgive him just yet and that letting go of the anger I feel will take an indefinite amount of time. It all just really hurts because I was so cautious all of my life and the ONE time I let my guard down, the ONE time I opened my heart and let somebody in, I ended up getting this. And it literally just took 15 seconds without a condom, at which point I made him put it on. Sigh. I dont mean to be so negative, but really just needed a place to vent and I thank you for providing me with a safe space to do so. I am so grateful for you and all that you do.
Hi Susie -
You’re welcome to come here and vent whenever you need to. You know, I think it’s ok that you’re not quite at peace with the whole thing yet. It’s only been a couple of months, and a herpes diagnosis IS a big deal initially for a lot of the reasons you’ve mentioned. It’s rarely as much about the infection and the outbreak itself – even though you’re experiencing them consistently right now (I did for a while as well), it’s very likely that the severity, duration, and number of occurrences you have will decrease over time. What’s left is the emotional impact, and that is no easy feat to overcome. Don’t beat yourself up over being frustrated or angry about it – it’s all part of the process and it’s ok to be in that place. You can take some assurance in knowing you won’t feel like this forever, but I make that statement with caution, because everyone handles an STD diagnosis differently, so the amount of time it will take you will be different than the ridiculous (years and years) amount of time it took me!
Some food for thought: did your most recent guy know he had HSV and/or are you sure he has it? The reason I ask is two-fold…one, HSV is transmitted via skin-to-skin contact, so even barriers (condoms, dams, etc.) don’t provide full protection against infection; so, unless you were tested specifically for herpes before and after each new partner (comprehensive tests don’t generally test for herpes unless you request and pay more for it) there’s no way to know who had it first. Herpes often lies dormant in a lot of people for long periods of time before ever exhibiting symptoms… Anyhow, if you know it was definitely from him, he also knew prior to your relationship, or even if he just found out when you did, keep in mind you were at risk of contracting herpes with condoms on as well. I point this out, because I’d wager the 15 seconds without a condom was not really the culprit – ie. you letting your guard down once – rather, you not knowing more about the pathiophysiology of all STDs was more to blame… What I would hate to see come from this is you being cold and closed-off forever, because you feel like that’s the reason you’re now living with an infection. When, really, the reason you’re living with an infection is because you didn’t know enough about them, and even if you did, do you think it would have changed your actions entirely?!
Humor me for just a bit longer here… Let’s pretend you knew all about your risk of infection in advance, you and your partner got tested before and after each new partner, you talked about your barrier usage in advance and used them consistently and correctly for all activities, and you resolved to sleep with just one another – comprehensive safer-sex, if you will – and during that process, before you ever engaged in those partnered activities, you learned that one of you had a life-long virus, let’s say him for right now, just so this example is consistent with your situation. My question to you, then, is this: Would you have never dated him, fooled around with him, slept with him, let your guard down and opened your heart up to him? Would you have just walked away? Now, I know you can’t answer that earnestly now, because you’re naturally biased and hindsight is 20-20, right? However, I would bet money that while you may have taken things slower and been maybe even more precautious in bed than you were, you still would have been interested in him. The reason I say this is because you indicated you opened your heart to him. Simply, you were interested in more than just sex. And the other reason I know this to be true is, because I’ve yet to have someone turn me down for sex and/or a relationship because of my herpes. Why? Because, it’s not the end of the world, there’s risk in all partnered sexual activities, and for whatever reason, partner after partner has decided the reward was worth the risk. As my current significant other likes to say, the juice is worth the squeeze.
So, my challenge to you is to look at this a little bit differently going forward, because if you do, you will heal faster as well. If he knew and didn’t tell you in advance, he betrayed you, plain and simple, yes. But did you ask him if he had been tested and what for? If you both just found out, there’s likely more you could have done, and even having done more, you very well might have pursued a relationship anyway, because the heart trumps risk. What I’m trying to say is, you’re not living with herpes because you let your guard down once, so don’t be afraid to open your heart up again.
Anyhow… I should reiterate that it’s okay you’re feeling negative and even angry right now. I just implore you to think about this retrospectively and a bit differently too because, I think, that will help you move forward. It will make the whole situation seem less like you were duped, betrayed, etc., and more as a consequence to a risky activity that can be equally as rewarding. 1 in 2 people will contract an STD by the age of 25 and 80% of all women will have had an HPV infection at some point in their lives by the age of 50. HOW we view STDs is what’s hurting you most, because most sexually active people encounter one, and it doesn’t mean you’re an idiot for opening up your heart to someone else; actually, it means, you’re human and beautiful. Our bodies are not infallible; they are resilient yet susceptible to any number of things. Sharing our bodies intimately with someone carries risk and reward in equal measure. You don’t beat yourself up for catching a cold because you grabbed a bathroom door handle at the movie theater, do you? Don’t let society (or yourself, for that matter) beat you up for catching an infection, because you were willing to share love with someone else.
Thanks so much, Susie, for reaching out and for your thoughtful message, and feel free to come back should you ever need an ear.
Thanks, Jenelle. Your message really helped me to put things in perspective and feel better about this situation. You are so right when you say that it is the way society thinks about STDs that is hurting me the most. Because in reality, I know that this is just a pesky skin condition that will be a minor inconvenience at times, no more than other inconveniences like catching the occasional cold. The logical part of me knows that, but sometimes it can be so difficult to not take the ignorance and cruelty of others to heart. Since my diagnosis I have become very aware of this ignorance, and am ashamed that I was so ignorant previously. But i think it has a lot to do with how I was educated about STDs. “STDs are bad. Don’t get STDs. The only way to not get STDs is to not have sex.” So… That’s what I did for the first 23 years of my life. Petrified of getting an STD, or getting pregnant, or getting my heart broken, because I thought any of these things would be the end of life as I knew it, I completely abstained until the age of 23. Then I realised there’s just as much of a stigma surrounding being a virgin that long. So it seems, you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t, essentially. Yes, it is true that I could have taken more responsibility in preventing this from happening; but there is always the possibility that this would have just happened regardless because of how this sneaky virus is spread. I think more people need to know this so that if they do happen to get herpes, or any other STD for that matter, they will know that it is not the end of the world and that it can happen to anyone, not just to those who “had it coming”. So I don’t regret opening my heart and caring deeply for the person who ended up giving me herpes, because like you said, that is not the reason I got it. I do, however, regret not communicating with him more clearly before sleeping with him. But if nothing else, at least now I know the importance of that clear communication with those whom I choose to share my heart and body with. Moving forward, I can take that lesson. Thanks again for your response. I think you are awesome.
Hi Suzie -
So true: you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t. So, in a sense, it’s all the more reason why we should say, ‘screw what anyone else thinks, I’m making myself happy.’ However, I know just as well that’s much easier said than done!
You’re so right; it’s all in the way we’re educating people about STDs. Even with the most comprehensive safer-sex regimen, an STD still can and does happen to lots of people – which, is just another reason why STDs often have very little to do with whether someone is trashy, irresponsible, etc.
What I’d to see happen is a complete paradigm shift. Whereby, instead of blaming someone for an infection and the infected being the victim and then later the bad guy, everyone begins taking responsibility for their own sexual health. In my perfect world, people would be thoroughly educated about the risks inherent in all sexual activities, they would weigh those risks with the rewards of partnered intimacy, choose their partners and their preventative measures accordingly, and should an infection occur – amidst whatever they chose or chose not to incorporate into their safer-sex routine – they accept it, communicate, heal, and move forward with much less fanfare, pain, and emotional duress. For this to happen, though, we need better education, a shift in how people perceive those with an STD, and an adjustment to how we regard our own handling of our bodies and our sexual health.
Needless to say, we have a ways to go, but the good news is, perspectives are slowly changing, and this shift is possible. So, there’s that, I suppose.
Anyhow, thanks so much for your comments, your openness, and your support!