STD Sex – What It’s Like for the Other Person

STDThis guest post was written by P. Nickle who loves someone who has an STD – The STD Project’s admin, Jenelle Marie.

Let me start off by saying, sex can be complicated regardless of whether your partner has an STD or not. We’re not talking about the casual one night hook-up here, rather, the continuation (or the beginning) of intimate relations with your partner after finding out they have an STD.

With the technicalities out of the way, we can now delve into the real stuff. For instance: do I think about the STD during sex – is it a turn-off, are there certain sexual activities we can’t do? Most importantly, am I also willing to accept part of the responsibility for my sexual health? Let’s face it: everybody will say he or she gave me an STD without taking a second look at themselves or acknowledging their own sexual behavior. Last time I checked, it takes two to hook-up, and as a result, I’m willing to assume some accountability too.

An STD Does Not Affect the Way I Feel About Her

First off, and for the record, my girlfriend’s STD has never turned me off or turned into an awkward moment in bed.

The reason is simple: her STD does not affect the way I feel about her, nor does it make me look at her as if she is dirty or damaged-goods. Visually, all of her female parts look beautiful – unlike how Hollywood would have you feel they appear when someone has an STD or the worst-case-scenario pictures they show you in sex education class. When she does get a break-out, it looks like little blisters under the skin. It’s no big deal to me. I’ve had way worse looking stuff growing on my feet during my military days. I guess you can say, I’m not squeamish. Really, who hasn’t had a blister or bug bites that bulge out? It’s just not a big deal to me.

Personally, I’ve never had a real ‘fear’ of STDs as I have a healthy respect and approach toward them. I know they can have life-long consequences, and some of them are very serious, indeed, but it is something I have overcome. I did this through my own research about herpes and some careful soul-searching about how I genuinely felt about my girlfriend.

My love for her far outweighs the risk of contracting her herpes virus. I know this might sound like a bombshell, but it’s true.  In short, I’m okay with the risk. It is a risk I have calculated and one that I am comfortable with.

If You Don’t Feel Similarly

If you’re worried about this being a problem for you, then fear not. Just stop and talk about it with your significant other. Tell her/him it bothers you.

It’s better to be honest and work it out before your relationship continues rather than just dragging it out, as that will only make a tough situation more difficult.

After talking through your concerns, if you’re still not comfortable with the risk you’d be taking, it’s also ok to move on. Every person will see that risk a little differently, and it’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to accept based upon how you feel about the person and where you think the relationship is headed.

If You’re Like Me

You’ve accepted the fact that your partner has an STD and you are okay with that, it’s not a big deal to you either. You’ve decided it does not affect how you look at or feel about your significant other. Cool, right? As a matter a fact, yes, it is cool; you like this person and the sex can also be awesome.

Now, are there any naughty details we need to consider? How about oral, anal, doggy, missionary, top or bottom, and do I still want to use protection? All of these are valid questions, and the answers to them will be as unique as your relationship itself.

In my case, and due to the nature and location of her outbreaks, herpes has not hindered our sexual relationship in any of those instances.

If that is not the case for you, then, again, talk about it with said partner. Figure out what works for you and what activities and subsequent risks you both are comfortable with.

Remember, this is about what you are BOTH comfortable with.

Don’t push someone into something they are not willing to do, because, in time, they may begin to be to open new things as well. It’s all a matter of communication and where you take your relationship from there.

Parting Thoughts

The main thing to take from this whole article is that sex can be complicated regardless of whether or not your partner has an STD.

Does an STD add to the complexity of sex? Sure, it can, but with some good open dialog, you both can experience a happy/healthy intimate relationship.

I know sex isn’t the easiest thing to talk about with your partner, but when you are taking into consideration the health of both parties, it needs to be talked about.

To wrap this up (hint, hint, nudge, nudge), figure out what the both of you are comfortable with and what is safest based on the risks you’ve accepted, and go forth from there. Enjoy the intimacy.

Trust me: once you get over the STD thing, sex is even better. That is when you can truly enjoy complete intimacy and not get wrapped up (pun intended) in the details.

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This guest post was written by P. Nickle who loves someone who has an STD – The STD Project’s admin, Jenelle Marie. P. Nickle has a BA in Business and is currently working on his Masters in Criminal Justice and Psychology. He served in the United States Air Force and is a veteran of both Iraq and Afghanistan. He believes he has always had an open mind, an open heart, and he welcomes all walks of life regardless of sexuality, creed, or race. He is looking forward to sharing his views, knowledge, and experiences with STDs with you guys, our audience. He encourages all comments and questions.

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Are you also in a relationship with someone with an STD? What did you think about the author’s perspective? Did this help you work through your feelings? Share your thoughts in the comments section below!

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  1. Newly diagnosed says

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with herpes this week. Hearing about your relationship with your girlfriend gives me so much hope that there will be someone out there for me who feels he same way you do about the STD. Thank you for giving me the optimism I need this week. Also, thank you for your service.

    • P. Nickle says

      Hey there, I’m glad the article helped. I just wanted to tell people that there is someone out there for them and who doesn’t care about their STD. They will be loved all the same. Fear not, there is someone out there for you as well, don’t settle for less because you have herpes, you are still an awesome person. I’ll be writing more in the coming weeks about my perspective about STD’s and loving someone who has one. Thanks again so much for letting me know that this article made a difference in your day.

  2. Mike says

    Havig herpes is a pain but you learn to live with. I’ve had it for a year now and at first I was very upset but I learned that life goes on and that happiness is still shining. Thanks for sharing your story

    • Jenelle Marie says

      Hi Mike –

      Thanks for your comment – you’re absolutely correct; it can be hard at first, but life can definitely go on happily once you’ve worked through the initial stigma and determined how to manage the infection. Thanks again for sharing your perspective!

  3. DB Canada says

    Thank you, it does help to read this story. There is so much to consider when you are dating someone with STD. You do need to talk about it and get past the STD if you want the relationship to work. You have to see the person for who she or he is. It can be very scary at first and to add to this, it is a taboo topic. It can be hard to find help or people to talk to and make the right decision for yourself and your partner. When we read about an STD online, you will hear about the worst case scenario but you need to talk to a specialist to see what is the real risk of contracting or giving the HSV 1 or 2.

    Thanks again

    • P. Nickle says

      -DB Canada,

      Thank you for the positive feedback. Glad to see that there are people out there who are practicing safe, healthy sexual relationships. The message needs to be spread that its okay to have an STD. I’ll be writing for the Website more frequently so stay tuned. Thanks again for the great feedback.

  4. Suzie says

    “My love for her far outweighs the risk of contracting her herpes virus.”

    That gave me chills. I think it is the first time since contracting hsv2 that I’ve felt there is still hope in the world.

    I thought the hopeless romantic in me died, and would never ever come back. But after reading this article I felt a little light come back on. I hope in time that light becomes brighter.

    Beautiful article. Thank you.

    • Jenelle Marie says

      Hi Suzie –

      You’re so welcome. Thank you so much for reaching out and letting us know this was inspirational, as that let’s us know we’re on the right track and that the energy we spend working on The STD Project is totally worth it!

      There’s certainly still hope, despite how much it feels to the contrary right now, I assure you. P.Nickle’s an incredible man, no doubt, but he’s actually one of a few significant others I’ve had who’ve been willing to see past my infection. Of course, he’s the best of the bunch – naturally! 😉

      Thanks again for your message, and hold on to that light – it definitely gets brighter.